So, I haven't spent much time talking about my feelings, which, I'm sure, is quite the surprise (since I basically talk non-stop all the time). But as my time to leave for France gets closer, I'm getting weirder, and less sure of everything and generally much more prone to crying for no reason. For example: last wednesday, I sat in my underware eating chocolate pudding while doing a crossword and crying. Who the hell am I? (I mean, everything except the crying was pretty normal, since my new hobby is doing crosswords.) But the thing is, moving to a foreign country and being a college grad and trying to apply for grad school while spending 90% of my time alone has turned me into a person who isn't totally sure who I am.
Last night I had an event to work for my, mostly unreliable, job of being a fancy-dansy party server - better known as glorified dishwasher who smiles when doing very unsavory tasks. (e.g. "Oh? the garbage disposal is clogged? no, no problem. I'll just stick my hand down there and fish out 2 weeks worth of nastiness. no, no really - I don't mind.") And, I just didn't have any confidence at all. Now, in all fairness, I haven't worked a party in over a month AND they were very wealthy, very powerful people (I managed to gleam that they were some kind of medical group trying to promote stem cell research who had contacts with the like of Larry King and John McCain), but I was just having the hardest time doing anything! I felt all funny and helpless and useless and overwhelmed and underwhelmed - long story short, I was a smiling mess who managed to get all the food out on time while not dropping anything to the 4 cocker spaniels who followed me everywhere - I just hope no one noticed (but I'm sure they did since I wear my feelings like very big, bright fashion statements).
So after all this, I was lying in bed and trying to keep my cat from walking on my boobs, when I re-realized that I'm a little bit afraid (or a lot, whatever). I mean, there are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, and a lot of big decisions to make. The France decision - it's already been made and I'm going no matter how much I feel like crying every time I see a large suitcase. But grad school - god, it's making me insane. All I know is that I love food - everything about it, all facets of it. The problem is that I don't have the perfect project - it changes with every professor I contact. I love food and food issues so much, that I really don't care how I get involved, as long as I am involved. But that lady at Harvard who I met with made it seem like this was completely unacceptable and that I need to get my act together and have a strong proposal and know exactly what I want because no one will ever help me ever again (she of course said none of this, but that's what it turned into in my head).
I think the thing is, I'm just afraid and sad and flustered and really excited and anxious. I'm moving to FRANCE! France! The place of my dreams, the place that I promised myself I would return to, no matter what. The place that I spent over a year analyzing and dreaming of - everything else will fall in place.
It will work out. In my head everything is a big damn deal. And you know what? It's not.
(...I'm still freaked out that I don't know how to teach English or speak French very well. And I'm a bit worried that I've made France into some unrealistic vision in my head that it won't fulfill. Or that I'm going to be really homesick. But then I remember the first time I went to France. I was a MESS. I almost didn't go. I cried so much at the airport that a security person gave me a hug. A security person! But then I got there and by day 2 on the ground I was in love and everything was perfectly fine. So maybe it's a good thing that I feel very funny lately - it's like a good omen)
And ... end rant.
