home again, home again - if only briefly

It is T-11 days before I leave. And I don't have much left to do (except packing and finding all the last minute things that I'll need).  While I was in California my visa arrived - and boy is it cool!  My contact person is, quite possibly, the sweetest person ever.  He thinks he'll be able to come and get me from the airport when I arrive (which will be such a big help!) and he is pretty confident that I'll have a place to stay (he has even offered to find and book a hotel for me if all else fails)!  Today I double checked with the airline - and my travel plans are confirmed for me + cat.  My money concerns have been eased thanks to some extremely generous birthday gifts.  And I am home - if only for 11 more days.  

Things are starting to feel bitter sweet.  I spent a good deal of the last two weeks extremely anxious - afraid to leave home, scared and dealing with a whole host of emotions.  Today, I feel better (a little excited, even).  I know a lot of it is because I'm home, but a big part of it too is that I'm surrendering myself to the process.  I am a person who likes to feel in control (not obsessively, but I don't like the feeling of being flung into space with no plans), there aren't many ways to feel in control in this process.  But I'm realizing that it's ok.  I'm cutting myself some slack.  I try, often too hard, to put on a persona of being a-ok and strong and tough - but this isn't working.  My mom very wisely said that I am entitled to feeling overwhelmed and upset and scared.  So I am - and I feel 100% better for being honest with myself.  

This past week in California brought a lot of revelations - and a lot of fun too. I was saying to my dear, dear friend Kimmie, how isolating it is to be a college grad.  When you're in school it's easy to sum up your personhood by explaining that "I'm an ASU student".  Creating a sense of identity is a lot harder when you don't have something to classify yourself with.  

So here I stand - I'm a college grad who's leaving home for 7 months to pursue a dream.  I don't know where it will take me, but I know that along the way I will figure it out.  There will be high highs and low lows, but I am now a part of a process - and a damn exciting one at that.  From now on, I'm adopting Obama's motto, but with a slight change - when he used it, I felt empowered for what our nation represents and could become.  So now I'm using it, to feel empowered for who I am and what I will become: Yes I Can.